btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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