he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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