I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
