Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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