just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
