I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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