Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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