take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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