Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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