After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
