i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize