Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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