does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Randomize
