Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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