Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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