If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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