I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
