please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
