You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
