she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
