it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
