I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
