i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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