the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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