You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
