hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
