So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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