I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
