I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
