I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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