i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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