Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
