FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
