Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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