wat bout pragnant strippers??
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize