did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
