i think my tv is drunk
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
