Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
