i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
