Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
