there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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