oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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