he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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