we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
