She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
