Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
