It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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