Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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