Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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