you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
