I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
