Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
honey bunches of taint.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
