oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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