Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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