So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
