Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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