you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
