i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
