Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
