its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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