Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
