And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
