Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
