Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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