For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize