Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
