maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
whose ass print is on the piano?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
that may or may not have been my penis.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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